Chapter3: How you can manage to sit between two
chairs not fall dawn?
There are different systems of social-psychological
worlds where the Individual exists, where he can find the basis
for his self-esteem and Self-image. The structure of his social-psychological
world is beginning to form from the early childhood, metabolizing
characteristics of the family and the cultural background. When
the person interacts with somebody, subconsciously he is conveying
his own social-psychological world, his own values and reactions.
If we take away from the person his usual social environment and
put him to a new one, where he won't have any external connection
with his social-psychological world he would be capable to adjust
to some level to the new one, but internally he would keep staying
in his own social-psychological world. To be able to transform yourself
to a different social-psychological world would not only require
one to make a step, take a look, and observe what it is about, but
to transform yourself internally. That is an almost unrealistic
task. It is extremely complicated and difficult. If one would consider
to do this not only theoretically, but practically.
The person who doesn't fit with a new social-psychological
world has started to receive from his environment many negative
signals. They are saying to him: "You are out of circle, wide of
the mark." He feels that the most simple things aren't working for
him, how they used to be. He begins to sense his lowliness, inability
to be who he is,,, and being on this state of mind, as a result
of it, unwillingly he is slowly withdrawing into himself. I would
like to elaborate on the definition of a New social-psychological
world that is not only a new social environment, it is also a new
language, norms of behavior, communication, type of interactions
with the social institutes on the different stratums of society.
There is not anything else rather than deep personal attachment
to his own social-psychological world. This connection isn't artificial
either. I cannot say it is bad or good. I would say this is a soil
where an individual grew up, deeply rooted to it from the core of
his own nature. Do you remember the symbol of big Matreshka, didn't
There are some situations where somebody, assuming
that he is a teacher, doesn't want or doesn't know how to except
the reality of individual social-psychological world, which is different
from his own. While fulfilling the role of a teacher, this person
willy-nilly, is going to impose his will on that individual. What
could have happened when the norms of somebody's social psychological
world will force upon the person with the different social-psychological
world than his own? You can assume the answer. The result of such
dependency would be very delicate, subconscious violence. Let me
make some analogy. From the history we know about the consequences
of that particular philosophy, where the basic statement is: "Our
faith is the best" and if you don't serve faithfully to it, we will
bring salvation to you. In this situation it is clear what to expect,
and you can make a choice to stay for your own believes or to follow
the rules. The tragedy is what will happen when nobody has awareness
about the roots of the conflict. Because what we face here is the
result of inadequate perception of the sense of intrusion into the
individual social-psychological world, lack of understanding how
to deal with it on a personal level. That ignorance will lead to
a vicious circle of troubles.
Let's take a look at a very common life situation.
When two people have fallen in love with each other and decided
to build a life together but they are from different social-psychological
One of the many questions that I used to hear
in that situation is: Why cannot we get along with each other, why
our love does not work for us? They would search for compatibility
as a couple, look for advises on the basis of their type of personalities,
The answer for these questions would be in
your ability to acknowledge and understand that you are from different
social-psychological worlds. Could you be able to step out from
your own social-psychological world and together, with enormous
amount of efforts, patients, and work, get ready to build a third
world- I would say to be a patriarch for your new social-psychological
world. Otherwise you are going to face unending struggle with each
Despite the fact that someone is ready to be
submissive, it would not help you to stay on the same old pattern.
As an example just imagine what could have happened, when you plant
a birch tree with her own soil into the pot with a palm tree, which
grows in the sand? What could have happened? It is difficult to
imagine. They have been grown in different climate zones, microorganisms,
Now I go back to my memory...
It was a great joy to look at the houses. I
have never been thrilled and happy from the feeling of discovery
a new house for us. We both dreamed to find a house where we could
feel being at home.
We both knew about each others idiosyncrasies,
I would say personal secrets that we admired and find very adorable.
One of these secrets, was we both love space, sunlight and a smell
of the ocean. When you do things for the first time in your life
you are afraid to make mistakes from one hand, from another it is
impossible to stay out of them, for one simple reason-lack of experience.
The desire to find a house of our dream got
stronger every day, with every new house that we had seen. We were
very sufficient with the knowledge that we had obtained about the
builders, stile of construction, floor plan, and type of ceiling
and the size of the yard during our search. The further we got involved
the more detailed we both started to see a picture of our house.
We knew this day will come for us, when the door our dream-house
would be open for us.
One day. It was one of the rare days for Florida,
a gray day, when we came to the area close to the ocean. It was
a new community with a couple open houses in it. The area was surrounded
with very beautiful tall pine trees. What the most took our attention,
do you have any guess? The smell of the air has saturated with that
particular light salty scent of the ocean. The warm breeze toughed
our skin, everything around us seems to be warming and welcoming
to us. How do you know if something that you were looking for is
here, around you, that time is come for you? Being inside of the
house, we both felt peace and serenity, light and unending space
for our dreams. We wanted to embrace each other, we exclaimed almost
simultaneously: this is it we are at home, our home.
One month later, when my husband's parents had
visited us, they wanted to take a look at some houses in this area.
We decided to keep our secret, we just wanted to show our house
and get the impression from them. We could not believe, when the
mother sad it feels so good being at this house, this particular
one. She looked at my husband and asked him: Wouldn't it be nice
if this house were yours?
I will never forget that full of joy and happiness
moment, when my husband looked at me with his big smile and replied
to his Mom: Yes, it would be very nice, and it is my house! The
parents could not believe. They thought that we play some dry joke
on them...when the silent was broken to the realization of the event
we received warm hugs and congratulations from them.
Part II -->