Chapter 4: When two hearts beat as one.
What could be a Diagnostic Manual for capacity
to manage under tough life circumstances? I want to capitalize on
a person's resources--what the person does right, on one's capacities
such as: strength, courage, insight, and wisdom.
The western society is a fast-paced formation,
with a high level of technologies, that allowed people to achieve
results immediately, here and now, we want to have quick fixes.
Does it sounds familiar to you?
I believe that people internally have the resource
to overcome problems and would rather work with those healing processes
and enhance them. As a counselor who is working with Russian-American
couples, I put a lot of personal energy into their own development
as human beings, into their realization of psychological-cultural
differences and existential similarities. The entire process works
respectfully from where the couple is coming from and staying. In
a new social-psychological environment Russian woman has had to
acquire the gifts of self-realization in new life circumstances,
culture and language.
Let's talk extensively about the meaning of
this problem and how you are supposed to relate to it.
You both have your own values, opinions, beliefs.
When each person's story is seen from his or her own perspective,
it does make sense. The only need is to be heard and understood.
As layer upon layer of understanding is placed on the story, you
will see a picture of how every one's reality interacts in the present
moment, to cause some part of the problem. When you see resistance,
it is an indication that you are on the wrong track. That means
her identity is asserting itself. For you it would be an indication,
a red flag, that is saying: There is authoritarian imposition on
her worldview, would be better to stop.
There are brilliant adaptive mechanisms that
someone figured would provide our bodies and souls with stability,
always returning us to our previous position no matter how lopsided
our lives become. In someday, early or sooner, you will hear from
your wife words that will convey her frustration, but the sense
of these words will be the same: How can I follow the instruction
if I don't have a whole picture of myself in my mind. My own self-perception
went down, because I constantly feel I am out of the picture. It
is reflected in my way of thinking, thereafter in my way of behaving.
In psychology it is called a "deficit"outlook,
a "deficiency"perspective. She can learn to act appropriately and
still feel awful. There is not any behavioral approach in that situation
or what should be addressed, where basically there is a matter of
self-esteem. She doesn't need to be instructed, what she needs to
be shown, that she already possesses the resources necessary to
do ever the hard parts of the most difficult life tasks.
I feel the spirit of Christmas around. This
is the most beautiful time and I love it.
From my first year in this country I deeply
fell in love with the tradition of how American people celebrate
this holiday. When a dawn had arrived after Thanksgiving Day you
started to see the decorations, myriad sparkling lights, and amazing,
very unique style of how every family views and feels Christmas.
When we where little girls, my sister and I,
we were looking forward to the day when our father would bring the
Christmas tree home. When all preparations were done, he would allowed
us to create a magic around this green Lady. Our mind would be so
far from school, homework, musical lessons our free hours would
be devoted for shopping. We were looking for the decorations that
we had fantasized to have in our collection during the year. This
time arrived for us!
Today, before Christmas, I go back to the memory
of our first Christmas with you.
I was depressed from my home sickness. In that
special morning I could not open my eyes, awake from the feeling
of missing my family in Russia, dreaming to be around them. They
were dear to my heart and my memory. I could not open my eyes in
that particular moment that to see a man, my beautiful husband,
who was holding me in his arms and saying to me: Colnishko, Merry
Christmas, Merry Christmas to you. I love you very much and I am
happy to have you in my life.
Many of you know what I am saying, when you
feel very helpless. Do not try to fall to any conclusions, do listen
to her, respect her feelings and find the way to let her know how
she is precious to you. And believe me many years later she will
remember that particular moment of your truly love and devotion
to her. She will remember every word that you have told her.
You can ask me: How that is possible to remember,
being depressed? I do not have the answer. Although...
May be it is the MAGIC of Christmas.
Personally, I do like to open things ... and
I love very much roses.
What I found to be true about
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