Marriage Counseling for Russian BridesElena - Russian Women Counselor
Marriage and Family Counseling for Russian American Families and Cross Cultural Relationships
Helping to Save Marriages between American men and Russian Brides
Call for help with your Russian American marriage

Chapter 4: When two hearts beat as one.

What could be a Diagnostic Manual for capacity to manage under tough life circumstances? I want to capitalize on a person's resources--what the person does right, on one's capacities such as: strength, courage, insight, and wisdom.

The western society is a fast-paced formation, with a high level of technologies, that allowed people to achieve results immediately, here and now, we want to have quick fixes. Does it sounds familiar to you?

I believe that people internally have the resource to overcome problems and would rather work with those healing processes and enhance them. As a counselor who is working with Russian-American couples, I put a lot of personal energy into their own development as human beings, into their realization of psychological-cultural differences and existential similarities. The entire process works respectfully from where the couple is coming from and staying. In a new social-psychological environment Russian woman has had to acquire the gifts of self-realization in new life circumstances, culture and language.

Let's talk extensively about the meaning of this problem and how you are supposed to relate to it.

You both have your own values, opinions, beliefs. When each person's story is seen from his or her own perspective, it does make sense. The only need is to be heard and understood. As layer upon layer of understanding is placed on the story, you will see a picture of how every one's reality interacts in the present moment, to cause some part of the problem. When you see resistance, it is an indication that you are on the wrong track. That means her identity is asserting itself. For you it would be an indication, a red flag, that is saying: There is authoritarian imposition on her worldview, would be better to stop.

There are brilliant adaptive mechanisms that someone figured would provide our bodies and souls with stability, always returning us to our previous position no matter how lopsided our lives become. In someday, early or sooner, you will hear from your wife words that will convey her frustration, but the sense of these words will be the same: How can I follow the instruction if I don't have a whole picture of myself in my mind. My own self-perception went down, because I constantly feel I am out of the picture. It is reflected in my way of thinking, thereafter in my way of behaving.

In psychology it is called a "deficit"outlook, a "deficiency"perspective. She can learn to act appropriately and still feel awful. There is not any behavioral approach in that situation or what should be addressed, where basically there is a matter of self-esteem. She doesn't need to be instructed, what she needs to be shown, that she already possesses the resources necessary to do ever the hard parts of the most difficult life tasks.

I feel the spirit of Christmas around. This is the most beautiful time and I love it.

From my first year in this country I deeply fell in love with the tradition of how American people celebrate this holiday. When a dawn had arrived after Thanksgiving Day you started to see the decorations, myriad sparkling lights, and amazing, very unique style of how every family views and feels Christmas.

When we where little girls, my sister and I, we were looking forward to the day when our father would bring the Christmas tree home. When all preparations were done, he would allowed us to create a magic around this green Lady. Our mind would be so far from school, homework, musical lessons our free hours would be devoted for shopping. We were looking for the decorations that we had fantasized to have in our collection during the year. This time arrived for us!

Today, before Christmas, I go back to the memory of our first Christmas with you.

I was depressed from my home sickness. In that special morning I could not open my eyes, awake from the feeling of missing my family in Russia, dreaming to be around them. They were dear to my heart and my memory. I could not open my eyes in that particular moment that to see a man, my beautiful husband, who was holding me in his arms and saying to me: Colnishko, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas to you. I love you very much and I am happy to have you in my life.

Many of you know what I am saying, when you feel very helpless. Do not try to fall to any conclusions, do listen to her, respect her feelings and find the way to let her know how she is precious to you. And believe me many years later she will remember that particular moment of your truly love and devotion to her. She will remember every word that you have told her.

You can ask me: How that is possible to remember, being depressed? I do not have the answer. Although...

May be it is the MAGIC of Christmas.

Personally, I do like to open things ... and I love very much roses.

What I found to be true about Americans.(Coming soon!)

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Attention: Crisis intervention counseling for Russian women in difficult life situations is free of charge. You may ask your questions Monday-Friday, 10:00 A.M. -12:00 P.M. St. Petersburg time, which is Central Time +9 hours at 7-812-310-1395.

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